By this time next week, the NC2A basketball tournament will have checked out of San Antonio, clearing the narrow paths of the River Walk and putting us on the clock for the start of CBS’ annual high-Mass coverage of The Masters. “Here’s Tiger on the 13th. He’ll wait until the cloud of incense clears.”
Most important, it will end the nauseating residency of Generalissimo Knight at espn, which would be considered an unholy alliance, were the Bristol conglomerate still a media outlet. Since it is now a “broadcast partner” for every sport on the map, Knight’s presence could almost be construed as high comedy, were he not such a contemptible hypocrite. He spent his career deriding the media, and now that he wants to keep his name fresh in case some idiot AD wants to hire him, he smiles for the camera. Despite that, Dookie V, Joker Phelps and Rece Davis, who must need a Silkwood-style dousing after each treacle-filled session with Knight, fluff the bully regularly. And don’t even get El Hombre started about that “Sunday Conversation” nonsense earlier this week, when fellow oppressor Bill Parcells and MLB genius Tony LaRussa feted Knight. Pass the Compazine. Here’s hoping the only job offer he gets is from the Taliban All-Stars.
That nonsense notwithstanding, the tournament enters its final stages with an historic first: all top seeds convening to choose the champion. That’s how it’s being reported, but we all know that Memphis is really a number 11, or at least that’s what Tigers coach John Calipari has been trying to convince us as his team has rolled through the first two weekends of action. It’s enough to make you root against Elvis U., if only to avoid hearing Calipari say, “Nobody gave us a chance,” as Jim Nantz and Billy Packer smile and nod, and some production flunky puts the finishing touches on the ‘One Shining Moment” montage, which should come with a warning for diabetics.
While Calipari builds a bunker, and Roy Williams tries to ignore tidbits like how the barber shop in Lawrence, KS, has erected a “shrine” to him in its men’s room, proving just how long Kansas fans can hold a grudge, the business of choosing a champion can continue apace. As always, the SAP button on your remote is a great alternative to the Nantz/Packer corporate sports pabulum. Here’s how the teams break down, with odds on their chances of cutting ‘em down.
UCLA: Some analysts are saying that Bruin big man Kevin Love is a worthy successor to the school’s line of superior pivots that includes Lew Alcindor and Bill Walton. Yeah, that’s right, lump the freshmen in with two of the three or four greatest players of all time. A little perspective, people, please. That’s not to say Love isn’t great. He hits the fallaway J like a small forward and has a two-handed outlet that would cause Wes Unseld to smile. Okay, maybe big Wes would lessen his scowl a bit after seeing Love crank it downcourt. Whatever. The guy’s good. Now, much has been made about the Bruins’ inability to put away Texas A&M and their mushy second half against Western Kentucky. Those are valid points. But UCLA slapped Xavier around in the West regional final and has the talent, depth (at least in the frontcourt), point guard and – most important of all – defensive want-to to win it. Odds: 4:1.
North Carolina: Watching the Tar Heels sweep across the court during the first half of their regional final win over Louisville reminded you of the Cossacks’ marauding rides through the Russian steppes back when the tsars threw down. UNC sure was impressive and could very well have the most talent of any team in the tourney. The question is whether Carolina can play real defense in a game that doesn’t spin at 78 rpm. The Heels won’t have to worry about that in the semis against Kansas, because the Jayhawks love the ABA way, too. But if UNC faces UCLA next Monday, it will have to negotiate the halfcourt carefully and won’t get the chance to bust out that trademark fastbreak too often. That’s where it gets interesting. North Carolina has it all – in the right setting. Odds: 3:1
Memphis: It’s fun to goof on Calipari and his persecution complex, but it was to be expected, given his team’s joyride through Conference USA. Still, the Tigers faced a non-conference schedule straight out of the John Chaney playbook: USC, Georgetown, Tennessee, Gonzaga, Arizona. Not too shabby. Memphis may not shoot free throws too well (sorry, Cal), but it does a lot right, mostly because freshman point guard Derrick Rose would start on about 15 NBA teams right now. Maybe one more, given the way Jason Kidd is playing in Dallas. He’s a big, athletic force who was the only Memphis player who looked like he was enjoying the last few minutes of the pressure-cooker against the Vols. His challenge is to keep the Tigers together when UCLA tightens the defensive belt Saturday. He also had better slap Joey Dorsey around a bit to make sure the mercurial senior shows up, especially after last year’s phantom performance against Greg Oden in last year’s Elite Eight. Odds: 6:1.
Kansas: If there is anybody in college athletics right now who embodies the price-is-no-object spirit of Big Ed Bookman, it’s T. Boone Pickens, the one-man credit line for Oklahoma State University. Ain’t nobody gonna out-Grover T. Boone when he gets that look in his eye, and that’s a scary proposition for Jayhawk fans. Just as they have returned to the Final Four, they have to deal with rumors that old T. Boone is fixin’ to money-whip KU coach Bill Self back to his alma mater to succeed the Sutton Dynasty. In between denials and pledges of fealty to Lawrence and the ghost of Phog Allen, Self has to convince his Jayhawks that the near-miss against Davidson was a good thing and proof they can win a tight game. Then he’ll have to get everybody plenty of rest for the layup lines that will ensue against Carolina. It’s all just too much. Odds: 8:1.
Book It: North Carolina 81, Kansas 74; UCLA 68, Memphis 66. UCLA 70, North Carolina 67.
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EL HOMBRE SEZ: Word is Chris Webber has retired from the NBA, after a 15-year career. Nobody in Philadelphia was surprised, since Sixers fans knew Webber had stopped playing two years ago…Looking for a real sports hero? Then check out Bhaichung Bhutia, the captain of India’s soccer team. Bhutia was scheduled to carry the Olympic torch but has declined, citing China’s repressive measures in Tibet. Get that man an endorsement contract…After reading on www.tmz.com that quarterback Matt Leinart threw a wild party at which he was photographed holding a beer bong for a young co-ed and in a hot tub with four bikini-clad women, Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt called Leinart – to complain about not being invited…In other football news, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, taking a break from considering vital issues like the length of his players’ hair, showed some impatience that a stalemate persists between the league and former Pats employee Matt Walsh regarding alleged tapes of opposing teams he made. Goodell needs to see that evidence to know exactly what he has to cover up.
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AND ANOTHER THING: Donnie Walsh said all the right things during the press conference introducing him as new president of the New York No-Good-Knicks. He wants to evaluate the situation. He wants to have serious basketball discussions with key employees. It was right out of the P.R. 101 textbook. Once he conducts that show trial, Walsh had better get rid of everybody who has had even a tangential role in the franchise’s becoming the league’s laughingstock. Face it, even the T-Wolves are laughing at James Dolan’s team. The first thing Walsh should do, at about 9:16 p.m. April 16 (or one minute following the team’s final game), is fire Isiah Thomas, the most egregious culprit in the whole mess. Then, it’s pink slips for everybody. Even Spike Lee isn’t safe. Sell Stephon Marbury to the highest bidder, no matter how difficult his contract is to swallow. Jerome James? Gone. Jared Jeffries? Double gone. And that asinine media policy that mandates any one-on-one interview must be conducted with a P.R. staff close by? To the moon! Walsh has plenty of work ahead, but at least the first item on his to-do list – Fire everyone – is pretty straightforward.