EL HOMBRE KNOWS SPORTS

If there are children out there who haven’t done their homework but are looking for some saps who will believe their earnest lies to the contrary; if there are men out there trying to find someone willing to be convinced that they go to Hooters for the chicken wings; and if there are women out there who are searching for some saps willing to swallow the malarkey that they really don’t care what other women think about them, they should all call the International Olympic Committee.

Those idiots will believe anything.

Back in 2001, when it was bidding to host the 2008 Olympic Games, the Chinese government assured the IOC that it would allow media members to report on whatever they saw fit. That the Communist country would throw open its borders to visitors from everywhere and lift the veil of secrecy that had shrouded its business. The IOC, which must have a collective IQ due south of the primate house, lapped it up. Yes, Chairman, we believe you. No, Comrade, we don’t think you’re lying. It’s tough to tell which batch of committee members is worse, this bag of hammers or the previous corrupt bunch that brought extortion and graft to levels that made the mob blush. At least the prior regime was sharp enough to recognize the golden goose was available. The current stumblebums wouldn’t know what quid-pro-quo meant if it were translated by Julius Caesar himself.

Here we are, with less two months remaining until the Summer Olympics kick off in Beijing, and the Chinese have finally begun showing their true colors. Two reports this week have proven the IOC’s gullibility and made anyone who thought it was a good idea to let one of the world’s most oppressive regimes host an international event of such import seem dumber than crocodiles in “Pearls Before Swine.”

Back in the mid-‘70s, when someone had the bright idea to let Lenny Brezhnev and his felonious gang of Soviet thugs host the Olympics, there was at least a bit of realism accompanying the decision. The USSR wasn’t going to hold an “open” Games, no more than Joseph Stalin was going to turn his gulags into day spas. But we all knew that. Back then, you didn’t go to the Soviet Union looking for the real story. You just hoped you wouldn’t be slipped a Mickey in a Moscow bar and wind up in the Lubyanka’s fun-and-games dungeon with some medical hack primed to replace your kidney with a blintz.

But China? Oh, China was different. This wasn’t Mao’s cruel dictatorship. This was the country that wanted to be a player on the world stage, even if that meant reversing centuries of inscrutable secrecy. “You want to see where we buried the thousands who died in the building of the Three Gorges Dam? Right this way, Mr. Olympic Official.” And the IOC gobbled it right up. So did the American businesses that were dying to grab a share of the Chinese market. “Torture of dissidents? You must be mistaken. Those are merely ancient medical remedies.” Dolts.

The stupidity quotient began to rise this week with reports the Chinese were not only throwing up major, unexpected roadblocks for TV networks with hefty contracts to broadcast the games, but also that anyone silly enough to leave a laptop lying around a Beijing bistro will likely have it hacked into by an army of cyberspooks hoping to infiltrate U.S. computer networks. It would be nice to say one or the other is unexpected, but neither should be a surprise.

Come on, people. This is China we’re dealing with here, not Liechtenstein. This is one of the world’s most repressive dictatorships, a place where families who dare to have a second child are penalized harshly. Where anybody with the temerity to criticize the government is given an all-expenses paid trip to the Laogai Resort and Torture Center. (According to one account, between 16-20 million Chinese are interred in forced-labor camps.) Where corporations around the world thirst to establish market footholds, even if that means trading whatever remaining ethics they have for access to 1.2 billion potential customers. And where a government with little care for human rights continues to block U.N. sanctions against the Sudanese government, which perpetuates the Darfur genocide. Talk all you want about recent “concessions” the Chinese government has made but be certain that once the Olympic torch is extinguished, the goodwill toward the Darfur victims will end. Yeah, there are problems in the U.S., but don’t be foolish enough to put us in the same solar system as the Chinese when it comes to oppression.

Against the litany of human rights violations, the recent Olympic developments seem minor, but they are emblematic of the Chinese approach to the Games. With each ensuing week, the noose tightens around those hoping to conduct business or pleasure with a modicum of freedom. The television issue probably won’t impact whether you see the 110-meter hurdles or Greco-Roman wrestling finals, but it will influence greatly the tone of the coverage regarding everything else surrounding the Olympics. Chinese officials are dragging their feet on giving networks broadcast clearance and are implementing strangulating visa measures, designed to keep students and others with opinions out of the country. One TV bigwig, John Barton, director of sport for the Asia-Pacific Broadcasting Union, was to the point on the issue.

“The Chinese are very concerned about something going wrong, and so they are in Olympic gridlock,” he said. “This is the greatest moment in their sporting history. They have built a stage on which they want to perform, but they are rather queasy about how it should be shown.

“They are suffocating television coverage in pursuit of security. They can’t secure the event. Nothing can be totally secure, yet they are trying to do that.”

While the TV networks fume, U.S. security experts are sounding the alarm about Chinese intentions regarding the infiltration of American computer networks. In briefing after briefing, government officials are warned that China is actively trying to gain access. According to USA Today, a 2007 report from the office of the Director of National Intelligence warned the Chinese are “among the most aggressive in collecting against sensitive and protected U.S. targets.” Of course, this isn’t being publicized too loudly, since few in the federal government want to anger the Chinese, who are key trading partners and own everything here but the Dairy Queen down at the corner. But Americans traveling to Beijing are warned to carry “clean” devices that have no prior information on them or get whatever electronics they bring back from China checked for viruses or bugs. And make sure some spy hasn’t accordioned himself into your carry-on bag, too.

The Chinese want a sanitized stage on which to present themselves to the world, and the IOC seems more than happy to grant them that. As the days count down to the August 8 Opening Ceremonies, we are seeing real, live treachery and obfuscation from real, live Communists. Don’t be fooled by smiles and propaganda; these guys mean business. Unfortunately, the mouth-breathers at the IOC don’t recognize that. Perhaps they’re too busy courting Pakistani warlords about holding the 2020 Games in Islamabad. * * *

EL HOMBRE SEZ: Hey, Rick Dutrow: Shut the hell up! Your horse lost. Your image as the magical trainer is tarnished, and you’re blaming the jockey. Low rent, buddy. Don’t you have a stall to muck out?…The sports world lost a giant Saturday when Jim McKay died at 86. For many of us, McKay provided the soundtrack to our fan experience. When he was on the job, he lent a certain gravitas to whatever he was covering. And his work during the tragic 1972 Munich Games hostage crisis was better than anything else we have seen from a “sports” commentator. He brought humanity to a dire situation and taught many some valuable lessons. He will be sorely missed…How will Tiger do? Is his knee okay? What’s his mental state? Boxers or briefs? Has golf reached the point where no one else matters? Here’s a bit of bad news for NBC: Tiger isn’t winning this weekend…The New York Giants’ Super Bowl rings were part of the $2 million in gold and gems swiped from a Massachusetts jewelry company last weekend, but authorities aren’t worried, because the New England Patriots videotaped the whole thing.

AND ANOTHER THING: Okay, so Tim Donaghy has the credibility of a mob informant trying to save his hide by ratting out the capos and bosses. And it’s never a great idea to enter the sentencing phase of a case throwing daggers at prosecutors and the victim. But if anyone thinks a league like the NBA couldn’t influence the outcome of games in order to boost ratings or make more dough by extending a series, then he should absolutely stay away from encyclopedia salesmen and three-card monte hustlers. Game Two of the Finals featured a 38-10 disparity in free throws, a ridiculous margin for a game involving two excellent teams. It couldn’t have been triggered by a desire to help the Celtics hold serve, since the Lakers are undefeated at home during the playoffs, and Boston is rotten, now could it? Calling Oliver Stone. This series is going seven games, folks, and the over-under on prattling propagandists praising it as “one for the ages” is Avogadro’s Number. Puh-leaze!